Working with your emotions

Naming changes it

Labelling what rises precisely, as in 'I am angry because I felt dismissed' rather than 'I am annoyed', lowers the intensity. Undifferentiated discomfort offers nothing to work with, while a name reveals what the reaction is about and creates a point to respond to. A larger vocabulary for distinguishing feelings makes this work better. Instead of lumping everything under "angry," splitting it into hurt, wronged, embarrassed or anxious changes what kind of response the same situation calls for.

Pushing down versus looking again

Approaches to emotion split broadly in two: suppressing outward expression, and reinterpreting the situation so the feeling itself changes. Suppression may look successful while internal arousal stays the same or rises, and others notice the discomfort anyway. Reappraisal producing better outcomes is a finding that recurs across studies.

Reappraisal is not self-deception

Seeing a situation differently does not mean insisting a bad thing is good. It is closer to checking whether another explanation of someone's behaviour is possible, whether this will feel the same size in a month, and whether you selected the worst available reading. Distorting facts returns later, so widening the range of plausible interpretations is the right scope.

• Come up with one alternative explanation
• Ask whether it will feel this size in a month
• Write the facts and your interpretation separately
• Consider the situation rather than the person as the cause

When you need to buy time

At very high arousal, no reappraisal works well. There, lower physical arousal before trying to change your thinking. Stepping away briefly, exhaling slowly, or washing your hands in cold water genuinely help. Postponing an important conversation or reply until arousal drops is almost always better. Simply letting a message sit overnight before sending it can greatly reduce words you would regret. Save anything written in anger as a draft, reread it the next day, and only then decide whether to send it.

Physical states that amplify emotion

The same remark hits much harder when you are short on sleep or hungry. If you often have days when your emotions get away from you, checking your physical state first is frequently quicker than working on mental skills. When the foundations of daily life wobble, no technique works well.

• Sleep: when short, irritation and anxiety rise easily
• Meals: going hungry for a long time makes small things grate
• Accumulated fatigue: by the end of the day your tolerance narrows
• Alcohol: it may soften the moment but shakes your mood more the next day

Talking about feelings in relationships

Handling emotions does not only mean swallowing them alone. When you tell someone how you feel, describing your own state tangles the conversation less than judging the other person. "You always ignore me" provokes more defensiveness than "When you said that, I felt dismissed and it hurt." Speaking in the order of what happened, how you felt, and what you would like going forward keeps the feeling as a request instead of letting it spread into blame. When arousal is high, even that order is hard to keep, so simply saying you need a moment is itself good regulation.

Removal is not the goal

Regulating emotion well does not mean not feeling it. Being angry in a situation that warrants anger is normal, and it can be information. The aim is that feelings do not decide behaviour entirely. Reaching a state of feeling nothing through continuous suppression is not good regulation but a signal worth checking.

When professional help is needed

Everyone has emotional ups and downs, but if your emotions keep knocking your daily life over, it may be more than you can handle alone. Examples include anger you cannot contain that keeps causing serious trouble at work or in relationships, low or anxious mood lasting more than a few weeks, and turning to alcohol or self-harm to get through feelings. In those cases, talking with a psychiatrist or a counseling service is a good step. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, ask the people around you or a crisis service for help right away. This guide is general information and does not replace a diagnosis.